Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

1. Every new year starts the same: Hung-over.

2. I went to a party last night with pretty people. The problem with 8 by 10′s (A.K.A. the pretty people) is that they don’t have much to say. They kinda just shoot you pretty looks. I always imagine them doing Crest commercials. In fact, some of them had stared in Crest ads (I loved your work as the gingivitis free incisor). My friend told me C-list celebs may attend, but I didn’t realize it meant (C)ommercial level talent. Also, all the pretty people usually have one male artsy friend. He’s kinda deep and likes photography or painting. Usually this means he draws the art for the “Say Anything” section of YM. Whatever, I read it and enjoy his work.

3. I feel like every time I finish a book…I’m left with a square piece of trash.

4. Back to the pretty people party. It had Mistletoe. Okay, I’m Jewish. Not that familiar with the “Mistletoe.” It’s the religious version of spin the bottle. Only the bottle stays still and the people spin around it. Jews also have a religious tool for hooking up — it’s called VODKA.

5. Chanukah – It’s like we can’t figure out the best way to beat Christmas. Every year we switch the date, like, we’re still testing it out on different weeks. It’s kinda like a lost TV show that can’t find
a good lead in. We’ve tried right after Thanksgiving. No Good. This year it had the nine o clock slot by being, I think, on the 13th. I heard next year we’re taking after “Friends” and super sizing
Chanukah. Yep, twelve days of Chanukah. Take that Kwanza the UPN of holidays.

6. I don’t trust Honey Nut Cheerios. I won’t eat any cereal that a bee has nutted honey all over.

7. Red bull gives you wings…and a headache the next day.

8. Over time, beauty marks become less beautiful.

9. Some say if they could go back in time and do it all again they would. I think I wouldn’t. I’d hate to be eight years old and realize it’ll be about seven years until I can get a blowjob. That’s a lot of
time to go without any action.

10. Synonyms
“We got engaged” is synonymous with “we ran out of things to talk about”.

“I’m going to grad school” is synonymous with “I reached into the
game of life and pulled out a roll again card”.

“We have to talk” is synonymous with “you’re about to be in a bad mood”.

“You had to be there” is synonymous with “Sorry that story sucked”.

11. Last week my roommate came home wasted and brushed his teeth with Icy Hot. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I felt it was worth mentioning.

12. IM is great. It’s like saying – I want to hear what you have to say, but I want to answer at my own speed.

Susan421: How was New Years

Me: (after ten minutes) BRB (I get bored after another eight minutes
and respond) FUN!!

Susan: I got sooo Wah-sted!!

Me: (tired of convo) LOL

LOL is a pathetic response.
HAHAHA is even worse. The person only has to hit two letters. That IM thought sounded funnier last night…I guess you had to be there.

Counting Sheep

A man climbs into bed. He closes his eyes. As he settles, sheep enter his room.

SHEEP ONE: One.

SHEEP TWO: Two.

SHEEP THREE: Three.

SHEEP FOUR: Four…kids to put through college.

The man’s eyes open.

SHEEP FIVE: Five…more years ‘till your car is paid off.

The man sits up in bed. The sheep smile and move closer.

SHEEP ONE: Six…days till your credit card payment is due.

The sheep nod in agreement. Then they start into him.

SHEEP TWO: Do you think the CEO of SPAM is offended by the term given to junk e-mail?

SHEEP THREE: Doesn’t global warming mean that everyday will be nicer than the one before?

SHEEP ONE: How many mega-pixels will be enough to satisfy the digital camera arms race?

SHEEP FOUR (whispers): Did he turn off the stove?

All the sheep look towards the kitchen. The man sits up a little more.

SHEEP FIVE: Ya know, he bought a new cell phone. He thinks he’s cancer free ‘cause he got the ear piece, but, he puts the phone in his pocket when he talks.

SHEEP TWO: Hmmm…cancer emitting device lodged up against his junk.

SHEEP THREE: Gotta decide which head to preserve. Can’t be an easy decision.

SHEEP THREE: Okay, I’m just gonna say it: Birdflu. 

Silence.

SHEEP FOUR: Did you notice how his girlfriend got better in bed after that“conference” in San Diego? Wonder where she learned to do that new thing with her tongue?

The man sits upright.

SHEEP FIVE: Did you know he illegally downloaded some music tonight?

ALL OF THE SHEEP: Uhhh ohhh.

SHEEP FIVE: Will that be the download that puts him away? Can he really explain to his friends why he stole “Hung Up” by Madonna?

SHEEP ONE: Maybe the threat of jail time will serve to improve his musical taste?

The sheep nod disapprovingly.

SHEEP THREE: BIRDFLU! I mean, he didn’t even wash that fuckin’ chicken breast.

The sheep notice the man’s agitation and try to settle him.

SHEEP ONE: Six.

SHEEP TWO: Seven.

SHEEP FOUR: Eight…remember when he was eight and we did this. Back then, his life was all skittles and rainbows. Remember when six minus seven equalled can’t be done. But then he realized it was negative one.

SHEEP THREE: And he was like, “Holy Balls,” this whole other world exists with negatives. Like, a negative times a negative equals a positive. So, if his girlfriend cheated on him at a “conference,” which is a negative, but then she caught herpes, it’s suddenly a positive.

SHEEP FOUR (whispers): I wonder if she has herpes…

All the sheep back away from the bed. The man shoots up and grabs a phone next to his bed. He dials furiously.

MAN: Hello, Julia? ‘Bout that conference in San Diego…

 

 

 

Passive Aggressive Messages

I installed adsense on my other site lachatter.com and Google posted this ad:

Los Angeles Gay Massage LA and West Hollywood Male Massage Free to search and contact

Me: What did you think of the site?

Adsense: Eh, it’s kinda gay.