A man climbs into bed. He closes his eyes. As he settles, sheep enter his room.
SHEEP ONE: One.
SHEEP TWO: Two.
SHEEP THREE: Three.
SHEEP FOUR: Four…kids to put through college.
The man’s eyes open.
SHEEP FIVE: Five…more years ‘till your car is paid off.
The man sits up in bed. The sheep smile and move closer.
SHEEP ONE: Six…days till your credit card payment is due.
The sheep nod in agreement. Then they start into him.
SHEEP TWO: Do you think the CEO of SPAM is offended by the term given to junk e-mail?
SHEEP THREE: Doesn’t global warming mean that everyday will be nicer than the one before?
SHEEP ONE: How many mega-pixels will be enough to satisfy the digital camera arms race?
SHEEP FOUR (whispers): Did he turn off the stove?
All the sheep look towards the kitchen. The man sits up a little more.
SHEEP FIVE: Ya know, he bought a new cell phone. He thinks he’s cancer free ‘cause he got the ear piece, but, he puts the phone in his pocket when he talks.
SHEEP TWO: Hmmm…cancer emitting device lodged up against his junk.
SHEEP THREE: Gotta decide which head to preserve. Can’t be an easy decision.
SHEEP THREE: Okay, I’m just gonna say it: Birdflu.
Silence.
SHEEP FOUR: Did you notice how his girlfriend got better in bed after that“conference” in San Diego? Wonder where she learned to do that new thing with her tongue?
The man sits upright.
SHEEP FIVE: Did you know he illegally downloaded some music tonight?
ALL OF THE SHEEP: Uhhh ohhh.
SHEEP FIVE: Will that be the download that puts him away? Can he really explain to his friends why he stole “Hung Up” by Madonna?
SHEEP ONE: Maybe the threat of jail time will serve to improve his musical taste?
The sheep nod disapprovingly.
SHEEP THREE: BIRDFLU! I mean, he didn’t even wash that fuckin’ chicken breast.
The sheep notice the man’s agitation and try to settle him.
SHEEP ONE: Six.
SHEEP TWO: Seven.
SHEEP FOUR: Eight…remember when he was eight and we did this. Back then, his life was all skittles and rainbows. Remember when six minus seven equalled can’t be done. But then he realized it was negative one.
SHEEP THREE: And he was like, “Holy Balls,” this whole other world exists with negatives. Like, a negative times a negative equals a positive. So, if his girlfriend cheated on him at a “conference,” which is a negative, but then she caught herpes, it’s suddenly a positive.
SHEEP FOUR (whispers): I wonder if she has herpes…
All the sheep back away from the bed. The man shoots up and grabs a phone next to his bed. He dials furiously.
MAN: Hello, Julia? ‘Bout that conference in San Diego…
